Wednesday, July 14, 2010

From rock bottom to recovery

My experience with anorexia has lasted two years. Well, it began physically in Spring of 2008, but mentally it began much earlier, perhaps Spring or Fall of 2007.
It has been a very dark, horrific experience. I've suffered from severe depression, suicidal thoughts, lack of energy, constant fatigue, isolation, estrangement with my mother, deteriorating relationships, loss of concentration, mental clarity, and elocution.
However, 7 months ago, my mom finally got it together enough to arrange for me to see a therapist, after I reached my lowest point, and had starved myself more than ever, and was actively considering suicide. My friend had told me, on Friday "Looks like you've gained some weight." (By the way, worst thing you can EVER say to someone suffering from anorexia) and what else could I respond with but "I'm trying"? To which she drove the nail deeper: "You can tell."
I felt a hopeless wreck after that, and wallowed in depression for two days. I starved myself, purposefully avoiding meals altogether (throughout my entire anorexia, I never once purposefully skipped a meal. Shocking, no? I actually dropped down to 42kg - 92lbs, on my 5'7 frame by eating three times a day, every day. Even if the meal was just an apply and a carrot, I still ate three meals a day - unless I had gone out to lunch, and we'd eaten a large lunch and even my parents skipped dinner). I couldn't bring myself to do my homework, which was extremely unusual, because during my anorexia I was the biggest workaholic ever - I worked, went to school, and spent an hour playing the piano and 3 hours horse-riding. That's all I ever did. Finally, I broke down at dinner on Sunday night (after refusing to eat most of my meal) and told my parents how depressed I always was. It turns out, my mom was supposed to have been working on getting me a therapist for about a year, but just never got around it, and pulled out a bunch of excuses.
I started seeing a psychologist every week, and since then, I've really improved. I'm trying to recover, but anorexia and restricting is still a huge part of my life. I have, however, really reduced my depression. So now... I'm just going to keep plodding along the road to recovery, and hope, someday, I will finally make it there.

No comments:

Post a Comment